If you grew up in the 90s like I did, you were probably well acquainted with the phrase “self-esteem.”
I remember one of the posters displayed in our school: a photo of a bald eagle looking out toward a mountain with the word “Leadership.” Poor bald eagle had no idea it represented leadership and was probably just scanning the ground for a mouse to eat.
While the actual self-esteem building exercises we did in school mostly elude me now, I do remember the topic coming up frequently.
As an average student, I didn’t feel like I had much to build self-esteem around. Even now, as someone who struggles with what I now know is an ADHD brain, there are many times when self-esteem still eludes me.
What do I have to feel good about?
What did I do that was impressive?
How do I compare to the women in my neighborhood, at my gym, in my family, or the ones I went to elementary school with?
So what exactly is self-esteem?
While there were many definitions floating around at the time, what I mostly remember was something along the lines of “how you feel about yourself.”
As a woman—and now as a mom to two teenage girls—I can confidently say that this is not a very stable measurement.
If I get asked on a date, or if my daughter gets complimented on an outfit she’s wearing…
If she does well on a test or gets invited to a friend’s party…
Then, of course, she’s more likely to feel good about herself.
But what about the days when things don’t go well?
The Rise (and Fall) of Self-Esteem
The days when we don’t fit into our jeans.
When we get a bad haircut.
When we miss an easy question on a math quiz.
When we forget about yet another appointment we were supposed to attend.
What happens then?
Does our self-esteem disappear?
Mine does.
It’s easy to feel good about ourselves when we receive positive feedback or succeed at something. But what about when we fail? What about when we land face-down in the dirt?
In the 1990s, research suggested that high self-esteem led to better educational outcomes, improved social relationships, and higher rates of success. But eventually the movement started to fade.
Why?
Because self-esteem often depends on comparison. It depends on being more attractive than someone else, better at soccer than a friend, or getting a higher grade.
And that’s where self-esteem failed us.
It’s temperamental. It feels strong when things are going well, but what happens when they aren’t? How do we motivate ourselves, pick ourselves up, and build resilience when we aren’t feeling our best?
That’s where the research has increasingly pointed us toward self-compassion.
When Self-Esteem Disappears
Take today, for example.
I’m writing this blog in my pajamas. It’s 2:30 in the afternoon, and I haven’t worked out, made my bed, or done any of the things I planned for today because an unexpected illness drained my energy.
I feel less than.
Worse than my peers.
Like the worst version of myself.
So what do I have to be proud of today?
Honestly, not much.
But self-compassion is something that is always available to us.
Self-compassion doesn’t disappear when we don’t perform our best. It doesn’t depend on productivity, appearance, or success.
But just because it’s available doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Self-compassion is actually one of the hardest skills to practice—speaking both as a therapist and as a client.
It’s difficult to give yourself the benefit of the doubt when you’ve been raised in a culture that constantly tells you to hustle harder, do more, and be better.
What Self-Compassion Actually Means
So what actually is self-compassion?
Psychologist Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on the topic, defines self-compassion as treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a good friend. Instead of judging ourselves harshly for mistakes, we acknowledge that being imperfect is simply part of being human.
Self-compassion has three core components:
Self-kindness – speaking to ourselves with understanding instead of criticism.
Common humanity – remembering that everyone struggles, fails, and has difficult days.
Mindfulness – noticing our thoughts and feelings without exaggerating or suppressing them.
Research consistently shows that people who practice self-compassion experience greater emotional resilience, less anxiety and depression, and more motivation to improve themselves. In other words, self-compassion doesn’t make us lazy or complacent—it actually helps us recover faster and move forward.
But what does this look like in real life?
Practicing Self-Compassion in Real Life
Imagine your best friend called you today and said:
“I slept in, missed my workout, forgot an appointment, and feel like I’m failing at life.”
You probably wouldn’t respond with, “You’re lazy and you should get it together.”
You might say something more like:
“You’ve been sick. Of course you’re tired. Tomorrow is another day.”
Yet many of us speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to someone we care about.
Self-compassion asks us to pause and ask a simple question:
“What would I say to someone I love in this moment?”
Then try saying those same words to yourself.
Sometimes self-compassion looks like giving yourself permission to rest.
Sometimes it looks like laughing at your mistakes.
Sometimes it simply means reminding yourself:
“I’m human, and today was a hard day.”
For those of us raised in a culture that emphasizes achievement, productivity, and comparison, self-compassion can feel unfamiliar—even uncomfortable. But the truth is that we cannot shame ourselves into becoming better versions of ourselves.
Growth happens much more easily in an environment of kindness and understanding than it does in one filled with criticism.
And on the days when your self-esteem disappears—when the jeans don’t fit, the schedule falls apart, and you feel like everyone else is doing life better than you—self-compassion is still there, quietly waiting.
Maybe the goal was never to feel good about ourselves only on the days when we succeed. Maybe the goal is to learn how to stay on our own side even when we fall short. Because the truth is, life will always include bad haircuts, forgotten appointments, disappointing moments, and days where we feel like we’re falling behind everyone else. Self-compassion doesn’t ask us to ignore those moments—it asks us to meet them with the same patience and understanding we would offer someone we love. And in a world that constantly tells us we should be doing more, achieving more, and being more, staying on our own side might be the most powerful thing we can do.
