In a recent discussion with Jenny Jarvis, CMHC, and practice owner of Enso Empowerment in Salt Lake City, she shared some realities that shocked me. Nothing feels too surprising these days—but this still stood out. Research shows that couples where one or both partners have ADHD are twice as likely to experience a breakup or divorce.
With divorce rates already high, the question becomes: Why do people with ADHD struggle more in relationships—and what can couples do to work through it?
Why ADHD Can Strain Relationships
Think about it. People with ADHD often face challenges like mood dysregulation, disorganization, forgetfulness, emotional impulsivity, and extreme sensitivity to rejection. Any one of these on its own could create stress in a relationship—but combined with the normal pressures of finances, parenting, and long-term partnership, the strain can be overwhelming. It’s not hard to see how these factors could double the likelihood of relationship breakdown.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): A Hidden Force
One of the most painful and lesser-known challenges is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). All relationships have conflict—what matters most is how that conflict is handled. (As the book Fight Right by John and Julie Schwartz Gottman [2024] points out, communication style often predicts whether a couple stays together long term.)
RSD can make even small moments feel catastrophic. People experiencing it may feel:
- Intense shame or panic when they sense disappointment from their partner.
- A flood of self-critical thoughts (“I’m such a failure,” “They must be tired of me”).
- Physical pain or sickness—like being punched in the stomach—when they feel rejected or ignored.
- A sudden drop from confidence to hopelessness in seconds.
These reactions can make communication almost impossible in the heat of the moment and can cause partners without ADHD to feel confused or rejected in return.
Emotional Regulation Before Relationship Skills
Jarvis, who frequently works with couples where one or both partners are neurodivergent, says many come in asking for “tools”—like Gottman-style communication skills or conflict-resolution techniques. But, as she explains, “They don’t have the capacity to use those skills from where they are.” Before couples can apply any relationship strategies, individuals with ADHD often need help learning how to regulate their emotions, recognize dysregulation, and pause before reacting.
And that’s only possible when both partners understand ADHD as a real, neurological condition—not a character flaw. Jarvis adds that the work is even harder when one partner shows clear ADHD symptoms but feels too ashamed or unwilling to acknowledge the diagnosis. Without that understanding, couples can get stuck in cycles of blame, guilt, and frustration.
Navigating Love and Neurodivergence
So how can couples work through it? Jarvis—who also has personal experience navigating a neurodiverse relationship—says one key is to reframe behaviors. When a partner forgets plans, struggles with follow-through, or leaves a mess, it’s not necessarily a sign of carelessness or lack of love. It’s often a reflection of executive functioning differences, not emotional neglect.
Instead of interpreting those moments as “They don’t care about me,” couples can learn to approach challenges collaboratively:
- Name the issue together (“This is an ADHD thing, not a you-don’t-love-me thing”).
- Build structure around reminders, communication, and routines.
- Focus on repair and teamwork rather than blame.
A Compassionate Conclusion
ADHD doesn’t doom relationships—but it does require awareness, compassion, and proactive work. When couples understand how ADHD impacts emotions, communication, and daily functioning, they can begin to shift from frustration to empathy.
The first step isn’t mastering perfect communication—it’s building emotional safety. When both partners feel seen and understood, skills and strategies can finally take root and make meaningful change possible.
