If you’ve been doing this work long enough, you’ve seen it: clients come in wanting “better boundaries,” but what they really want is for someone else to behave differently. Or they try to set a boundary… but what they actually say is a rule, a threat, a plea, or a subtle attempt at control. And underneath that confusion lives a mix of low self-worth and a deep fear: “If I set this boundary clearly, the relationship might break — so maybe I can word it in a way that gets them to change instead.”
This is where the real therapy happens. And this is where we, as therapists, get to guide clients toward boundaries that protect their worth instead of protecting a shaky relationship dynamic.
Why Boundaries can Feel Unclear
First, we have to name the obvious: sometimes boundaries are unclear. Clients aren’t confused because they’re careless — they’re confused because they were never taught healthy boundaries. Many grew up with chaotic or rigid role models, had their boundaries punished or ignored, or learned that honesty equals conflict. For them, clarity feels threatening.
Their nervous system believes: “If I’m too clear, I’ll lose them.” So boundaries get blurry, soft, hinted at, wrapped in apologies, or replaced with frustration. Unclear boundaries are rarely about communication — they’re about survival.
The Biggest Mistake in Therapy
Now let’s name the biggest mistake we see in therapy: when a client’s “boundary” is actually an attempt to change someone else. A true boundary is about your own behavior. A disguised control move is about the other person’s behavior.
For example, “You need to stop yelling at me” is control. “If you yell at me, I’m going to end the conversation and step away” is a boundary. “You can’t talk to me that way” is control. “If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I won’t continue engaging” is a boundary. “You need to treat me better” is control. “If this dynamic continues, I’m going to limit my contact” is a boundary.
Clients reach for control strategies not because they’re manipulative, but because they’re terrified. If the other person changes, they don’t have to risk setting a real boundary — the kind that might expose the relationship’s fragility.
This is where low self-worth shows up the loudest. If someone believes their needs are a burden or their feelings are “too much,” then setting a boundary feels like a dangerous act that could lead to abandonment. They think, consciously or unconsciously, “If I protect myself, they might leave. If they leave, it will be my fault.”
So clients pivot toward trying to modify the other person instead — soften them, convince them, inspire them to behave differently — because that feels safer than claiming a limit and risking the relationship.
What is Our Role as Therapists in Boundary Setting?
Our job is to help clients gently unpack where that fear began. Most people who struggle with boundaries grew up in relationships where expressing needs was unsafe: parents who were unpredictable, emotionally volatile, easily wounded, dismissive, or inconsistent.
Kids in those homes learn: “If I change anything, everything might explode.” As adults, they carry that same belief: “If I set a boundary, the whole relationship might break.” And sometimes? They’re not wrong — unhealthy relationships often do react poorly to boundaries. But that’s information, not failure.
This leads to one of the most powerful boundary reframes we can give: Boundaries don’t break healthy relationships — they reveal them. Healthy people adjust, healthy relationships make space for needs, and healthy dynamics tolerate “no.” When a client sets a real boundary — not a demand, not an attempt at control, but a clear limit on their own behavior — they gather data: who respects them, who becomes defensive, who guilt-trips, who grows, who punishes, who steps up, who steps away. Clients aren’t afraid of boundaries; they’re afraid of the truth boundaries reveal.
Internal vs. External Boundaries
This is why we teach the difference between external boundaries (rules about the other person) and internal boundaries (limits you set for yourself). External boundaries sound like: “Don’t talk to me like that,” “Stop drinking,” “You need to respond faster.” These are requests or wishes — sometimes very valid ones — but they aren’t boundaries.
Internal boundaries sound like: “If you yell, I’m stepping away,” “If you come home intoxicated, I won’t engage in conversation,” “If I don’t hear back, I’ll make other plans.” These protect the client’s dignity regardless of the other person’s choices. Internal boundaries say: “I’m not waiting for you to change before I take care of myself.”
Of course, many clients aren’t ready to jump into big boundaries — the risk feels too high. That’s where microboundaries become a bridge. Pausing before saying yes. Ending a call early. Not over-explaining. Not responding immediately. Reducing emotional labor.
These small acts of self-protection help clients gather evidence: “Hey… the relationship didn’t break. The world didn’t fall apart. I survived.” And slowly, their sense of worth stretches. They begin to internalize: “Maybe I am allowed to take up space.”
The Consequences of Boundaries
But we can’t ignore the grief piece. Sometimes, setting a boundary does disrupt — or even end — a relationship. When clients have been over-functioning, people-pleasing, or performing emotional caretaking for years, the shift can feel like a relational earthquake.
This is where therapy becomes sacred. We validate the grief, the confusion, the mourning of old roles. Normalize that stepping out of a dysfunctional pattern is sometimes mistaken by others as betrayal. We honor the loss while celebrating the healing. We help clients see: “Patterns break. Roles break. Dysfunction breaks. But the relationship — if it’s healthy — doesn’t have to.”
Boundaries and Self Worth
Ultimately, helping clients with boundaries is helping them rewrite their self-worth. Boundaries rooted in fear lead to control. Boundaries rooted in worth lead to clarity. And clients need to hear this from us: “You are worthy of relationships that can withstand your truth.” If a relationship fails because a client expressed a need, the client didn’t break the relationship — the relationship revealed itself.
When clients learn that boundaries are not tools to manipulate others but practices of self-respect, everything shifts. Their worth deepens. Their relationships become more honest. And they finally understand: Healthy relationships don’t require control. They require clarity. Boundaries are the expression of that clarity — and clients deserve to learn them from therapists who see the deeper story beneath every “I don’t know how to say it.”
