The holidays are supposed to bring joy, connection, and excitement, but they can also leave us feeling depleted, overwhelmed, or stretched too thin. This tends to land hardest on the people who fall naturally into people-pleasing or caregiving roles. If you’re the one who takes on the responsibility of keeping the peace (absorbing offensive comments, smoothing tension, or stepping in to make sure everyone else feels comfortable—you know who you are), I’m talking to you.
People-pleasers often carry the emotional weight of this season. You might be the one coordinating schedules, buying thoughtful gifts for everyone, and running most of the errands. You often say yes before you’ve even had a moment to think about whether you really want to or not.
It can feel much easier in the moment to avoid the brief discomfort of disappointing someone, but the cost usually shows up later: resentment, exhaustion, or the quiet frustration of realizing you abandoned yourself to keep someone else comfortable… again.
One of my favorite Brené Brown quotes says, “I choose discomfort in the moment instead of resentment later.” For many people-pleasers, resentment doesn’t always show up as anger toward others. It shows up as a sinking “why did I agree to that?” or that familiar feeling of being upset with yourself because you went along with something only to avoid conflict, awkwardness, or heaven forbid…disappointing others. You don’t want to upset anyone, so you jump in and agree to do the thing and now you regret it. You realize too late that you betrayed your own needs.
This year, I want you to keep something in mind: These are your holidays, too.
When you run yourself ragged to ensure everyone else is having a good time, you’re not actually helping anyone. You’re offering an inauthentic, performative version of yourself – one that’s destined to crash and burn.
Reflecting on What You Want This Year
May I suggest taking a moment to ask yourself some important (and maybe foreign) questions? What would make this season enjoyable or meaningful for you? What would feel nourishing? Depleting? Many people-pleasers don’t pause to consider their own preferences because they’re so focused on anticipating everyone else’s. But identifying what you want (even practicing this) gives you some direction when you’re tempted to say yes out of obligation instead of genuine desire.
The Hidden Function of People-Pleasing
People pleasing isn’t just about showing kindness – it has a function. For many of us (recovering people pleaser here), it became a way to manage anxiety, avoid conflict, or feel safe in unpredictable environments. It created the illusion that if we worked hard enough and anticipated everyone’s needs, then nothing bad would happen.
It provided a sense of control, which now leaves us exhausted and isn’t likely sustainable. We learned this somewhere and we became comfortable in this role…and it maybe it seemed like it worked for a while.
Expecting Old Patterns (and Having a Plan)
Families are usually predictable in ways that can be both comforting and challenging. Most of us can anticipate certain comments or behaviors long before we sit down for that holiday dinner. Preparing for some of those interactions can provide some steadiness and direction.
Given his track record, Uncle Joe will mostly likely make another racist comment at dinner. Maybe someone at the table makes a judgmental comment about your son’s tattoos (this happens to my son at least once over the holidays). And Aunt Peggy continues to ask why you stopped coming to church…every year.
Expecting these moments and planning ahead a little allows you to think ahead and have a loose plan. How do you want to respond this year instead of being caught off guard or slipping back into “keep the peace” mode?
Practice Helps More Than You Think
People-pleasers often freeze when trying to set boundaries because it’s new, unfamiliar, and can feel unsafe to the nervous system (remember, we’re used to equating people pleasing with emotional safety). Practicing how we want to respond can feel slightly terrifying, but empowering. I encourage my clients to rehearse in a mirror, record a voice memo and listen, or practice their response aloud in the car. This can build a little confidence before you’re in that predictable situation.
Practicing confident body language can help too. Try standing up straight, keep your shoulders back, lift your chin, and practice speaking in a steady, confident voice, even if it’s super uncomfortable. Your nonverbal communication has more impact than you realize. Short and simple is your friend here, too. John and Julie Gottman talk about using the “3 S’s” when having a difficult conversation or setting a boundary: think simple, slow, and soft. Remember that you can be assertive and calm at the same time.
Some phrases you might consider rehearsing can be as simple as:
- “I’m not discussing that.”
- “I’d prefer to change the subject.”
- “That comment isn’t okay with me.”
- “I’m not engaging in this conversation right now.”
Why Pushback Happens (and Why It’s Actually a Good Sign)
When you’ve spent years being the peacemaker, the shift toward setting boundaries may be surprising or uncomfortable to others. This isn’t because your boundary is wrong or unreasonable. It’s because you’re disrupting a pattern that the family system has come to rely on.
Most people instinctively return to familiar dynamics, even when they aren’t healthy. It’s human nature to do what we know. So if you respond differently (setting a new boundary) and someone seems annoyed, confused, or pushes back, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. In fact, it can be a solid sign that you’re doing something right.
Expect the discomfort. Expect the moment where someone acts as if you are the issue simply because you’ve stepped out of the old role. This feeling is part of growth. You are choosing to step out of something that has long been rehearsed, and that is a meaningful but difficult shift.
Pick Your Battles With Intention
There’s wisdom in choosing where you want to invest your energy. What’s worth speaking up about will look different for everyone. I can take a snarky comment from Aunt Peggy about my outfit. But if the conversation turns toward questioning my church attendance or anyone criticizes my kids, I speak up.
YOU get to discern whether you speak up or make the intentional choice to not take the bait. And remember, you can communicate respectfully and thoughtfully, but you cannot control how others will respond. Their reaction is theirs to manage, not yours.
Build In Breaks
I often suggest my clients have a self care plan that includes “breathers” and sometime self-soothing activities, especially if making out of town visits. These breaks help you stay regulated and preserve your capacity to show up authentically. Some grounding options can include stepping outside for some fresh air, taking a bathroom break for a reset, walking around the block, sitting quietly in your car, or even going on a little drive (my personal favorite).
Use whatever small rituals soothe you. For some creative and/or neurodivergent individuals, bringing a tactile grounding project like crochet or drawing can be incredibly helpful.
Small Boundaries Create Big Momentum
Here’s the good news: boundary setting gets a lot easier with time and practice. Momentum is powerful and making small changes really adds up. Look for opportunities to practice assertiveness and speak up more. Let the barista know your order was made incorrectly. Say, “Actually, now’s not a good time,” when someone tries to schedule something with you that doesn’t work. And if all of this feels like too much right now, I often suggest to my clients that saying, “I don’t know. Let me check on this and get back to you” is a great way to pause and reflect until you’re ready to answer honestly.
Final Thoughts
As you move into this holiday season, remember that you deserve to take up space just as much as the others sitting at the table. You are not responsible for managing the feelings, choices, or behaviors of everyone around you. This takes such a toll on your mental health. And this one is black and white: You don’t need to absorb or tolerate anything that harms you or those you love. Saying “no” or simply leaving is sometimes the best choice you can make.
At any point this season, you’re allowed to pause, recalibrate, and change your mind. If something feels “off”, listen to it. You’re allowed to disappoint people. You’re allowed to build traditions that feel grounding rather than draining.This time of year is not a test of how well you can accommodate everyone else. May you give the truest gift this season: the gift of your authentic, fully present, and imperfect self.
